You're my little dorito
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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