just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
