So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
