don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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