Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
