i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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