I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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