MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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