she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I need to calm my uterus...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
