Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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