he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
