my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
