she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
