You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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