i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
