I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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