perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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