I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
