just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My balls are so social today.
it glows. i had to have it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
