Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
