I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
