Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
