i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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