JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize