You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
