Whod you bang
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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