I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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