Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
