girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
