we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
