He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
