my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
