the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i think we sleep fucked last night...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
