Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
