thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
