my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
