Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
