My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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