i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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