We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
