This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
