I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
