I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
