Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
