There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My ass is underappreciated
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
