I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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