So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
