i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
