I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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