Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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