This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
