thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
