Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
