i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
