I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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