I wish I could teleport
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
