ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
