I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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