Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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