I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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