After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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