Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
