She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
